Dating in Today’s Modern World

Most people have never been in love and sadly never will experience love for themselves. The term “ I love you” is often used as a way to express deep affection and care for someone else. We often say the phrase without really feeling that way anyway and quite frankly, I learned the word love is a recent creation from Europe and does not have much meaning in ancient times-but we’ll save that story for another day.

Love is what we make of it I guess. Is it the butterflies you get when you think of that special someone? Does love reside in the feeling of wanting more and more of a person?

Is it even the sense that you know you want them forever? Who knows, but most people do want someone to talk to, an attractive mate in mind and body also a person to create and live with. So here lies the issue for many in this day and age...our lives are so busy working and paying bills. Are we really in the position to meet a suitable match for our wants and needs? Do we even know what we want and need? A lot of people do not and think they do until there is an unpleasant encounter while dating.

With all of that said let’s break down online dating as a way to find (dare I say) love. Such a place is very exciting and scary for a woman. As stated before, I feel people want to get to love and will intentionally try to find it. However, if your life is anything like mine, there isn’t much room for it. Online dating was a great option but I did not know if the men on the other side of the internet were in the same mind-frame as I. Talking to friends helped but there were many things to look out for.

The Netflix and Chill Trap

I was advised not to accept any offers from a man that would rush into seeing them at their place or mine. This major red flag came up so often I can’t even count. Though it was an easy way to weed out men that were serious or not.

Fetishes and Fantasies

This one was big with men outside of my race that wanted to be intimate with me to fulfill whatever fantasy they had of being with a black woman. I remember talking to my friend and having a lot of similar stories with how our messages were filled with this type of man. Very straight forward and blunt conversations about sex within the first 5 minutes sometimes.

The Bio Scammers

These men still want sex and nothing more, but they prefer a certain type of woman and you may be it. A woman looking for love, the “good girl”. This woman is a woman that will be loyal and as sweet as can be because her goal is to find love that should lead into marriage. These bio scowlers are scanning biographies on dating apps for key words to find their "wifey". A woman that will do more for love than he. These men mostly get further along because they will plan a nice date or two to get the woman in the mindset that he will be in her life long term. He will be there as long as he wants to and as long as he gets what he wants. Be aware ladies, be aware.

Catfishers

I am fortunate to only know about catfishers through the television show. Catfishers are people posing as other people and entering an online relationship with someone that drags on without any physical meetings. False profiles and pictures are used to a length of time and sometimes results in not only heartbreak but sometimes people being ripped off monetarily. In addition to all of this, there are many other ways online dating can be dangerous or even seem like a waste of time.

Tips And Tricks For Young Single Black Woman:

• Recognize your patterns and find out who you are compatible with. This video from The Mel Robbins Show with relationship Therapist Spirit. YouTube is a great start for introspection as to why you may be having trouble: https://youtu.be/W1hA4cKXU18

Use reputable dating apps

I can only speak from my experiences and my perspective only. I believed that I would be able to find a good, serious person online. I did have some bumps in the road. I have heard the cautionary tales of Tinder but went on there anyway and realized that I really shouldn’t be on there. So these are the sites I know of where you can find love and marriage. This list is rather short, partly because it didn’t take long for me to find a match. As an audience, please feel free to add to my list in the comment section.

1. Match.com

2. Elite Singles

My list is very, very short indeed. One thing to note is these sites require payment upfront and weeds out the “bum” that is only seeking out women for their bodies only.

Conclusion

“But how do you cope with your desire for love and companionship in the busy lives of a young professional?”

My environment and schedule was hectic. My dating options were limited to men at work and in my immediate environment, who were“not the best”. So I decided to change a lot about myself before going back into the dating pool. Last year, I was in a terrible relationship that started very well. The man admitted that he was pretending in the beginning because he knew I was out of his league. I decided to look in the mirror and jot down things I wanted to change and things I really wanted in a relationship and/marriage. People always say marriage takes work, but the road to it has to involve it too. So... I began to do the work. I compared the list of what I wanted and how I wanted to be treated and realized that I had to fix a lot about me. I struggled with severe acne for a very long time and tried a lot on my own, (i.e.Proactiv) and a failed visit to a dermatologist during my adolescence years. So I went to a dermatologist recommended to me by my sister and cousin. I looked in the mirror naked everyday to motivate me with daily workouts to achieve the body I wanted. I researched ways to deal with and control my anxiety so it wouldn’t spill over into my relationships with other people. I began to detox and eat well. I started to read more books, listen to my favorite music often, and connect with people I love and miss just because.

I really loved me more and began to find ways to be more feminine because I wanted a very masculine man. Not because of pressure of what everyone else wanted for me but because of my listed wants.. These things surprisingly made me better at work, parenting and being a sister. The work is not done but I felt like I built tools to make me the partner I wanted to attract. Know you before you seek someone else. Because if you don’t look within you will be angry and playing the blame game forever.