“If You’re so Great, Why Aren’t You Married?”

Jai Highness
Aug 18, 2020
5 min read

Updated: Aug 19, 2020

There are certain rites of passage that are inherently a part of life, such as learning how to walk and talk, the first day of school, graduation, college, and credit cards/ loans, and finally working fulltime in your career. It's easy for some to voraciously go after their careers and pursue extra studies but classes on financial literacy or intimacy and marriage aren't marketed as much to most of the population like shopping advertisements are.

All your life you prepare for the perfect job or school and even fix your finances to buy the perfect home, but we expect a great life partner to fall into our laps. Also, there’s a biological clock placed on your age eligibility for matrimony, between the ages of 25-35 and anything after that is a miracle, playboy, or a spinster. Being pressured about marriage can come from family, friends, or even strangers who think they're coming from a very sincere place to point out the fact that “you're incomplete without a husband/wife”. While I do agree that as people we desire and need intimate or social relationships to survive and develop, I think we need to focus on equipping ourselves with the tools and emotional intelligence to do so instead of jumping into any ol situation.

Here are the Top 7 insinuations of singlehood:

1.) You’re too picky

People typically associate being selective when choosing a romantic partner as a bad thing. And of course, nobody’s perfect (not even you) so whatever is on your “husband/wife wish list” make sure you meet at least 80% of those great attributes. I’ll always be an advocate of taking the time to get to know who you let in your space because they can affect your energy. Knowing what you desire and what you need in a romantic partner is an important reflective process.

2.) At this point something must be wrong with you

You should’ve had a serious relationship, or a relationship passed 1-2 years by now. There’s no set age limit on when you should marry. In 1990, the average age of married couples was 20-22 years old, versus in 2019’s average age of 28 years old. Times have definitely changed, according to the Business Insider 70% of millennials are prioritizing independence, careers, education, and personal travel over settling down. Having these experiences and establishing financial and emotional stability is on the top of the list over worrying about a biological clock.

3.) Don’t you want children

With all the modern advancements in fertility technology, I believe many millennials are making more conscious decisions in regards to children. It’s just not a box you check off anymore to provide your family with “grand-babies”. People are starting to take the time to educate themselves on what it means to have and raise a child, it means you’re ready to raise that child into an upstanding adult. They don’t stay babies forever so you yourself may be prepared to bestow this knowledge and experience to your offspring. It’s sadder to see adults thrusted into parenthood while they are still going through growing-pains themselves and taking it out on their child, than to be childless. Take the time to learn how you’d like to raise a family and forget about a ticking biological clock.

4.) It’s work, but it’s worth it

“Struggle Love” is not what love or marriage is supposed to be or feel like. Yes, life is naturally hard and there will be some uphill battles in regards to work/life balance, finances, and mental and physical health but constant infidelity was "NOT" a part of the deal. We’ve seen the 30+ year marriages where one spouse, typically the wife, stood by her husband while he “sowed his royal oats” around town. Finally, when he's good and tired, he went back to his wife to have a “happy marriage”. Unhealthy behaviors such as verbal or physical abuse, financial leeching, and emotional manipulation are toxic and should never be tolerated for the sake of staying married.

5.) You're too independent

Independence is the ability to not be influenced by others in your decisions and actions. I struggled with being independent for a very long time (still do, to be honest lol). As a Caribbean child, it’s definitely frowned upon to move to the beat of your own drum. If you did, you were being “disrespectful” or “rebellious”. For some people in their childhood they’re introduced to the concept of “do as you're told”, but then you become an adult and now it’s time to make all the decisions. That’s why I think it’s important to live on your own or go away for college because it makes you actively practice this independence each day. It will help you in selecting and cultivating the friendships and relationships that will nourish you or are conducive to the future you want. Yes, your family may have good intentions when they are giving you advice but the only opinions that matter when selecting a partner is yours. Being independent helps you feed that confidence, knowing what or who is right for you in God’s timing.

6.) You’re not putting yourself out there enough

As a friend of mine recently said “dating nowadays is the pits”. I agree. In this hookup culture,fast pace dating can discourage those who are dating with the intent of a long-term relationship or marriage. A forever “dating-rotation”, can get exhausting but you can’t stop dating or become jaded by bad experiences. Also, there’s nothing wrong with dating yourself or multi-dating until you find someone or the lifestyle that fits you. There’s no magic formula to finding the one and being in a relationship isn’t always effortless but it takes work to be emotionally, mentally, and physically present in a relationship. Like any business or friendship, you have to keep investing love, energy, and innovation. The medium doesn’t matter (online dating, bars, and or going to church), it’s the method and purpose that matters. There are great people out there and I’ve met some lol.

7.) Pray and Jesus will provide/You’re not praying enough

Prayer is powerful but God’s timing is not your timing. Sometimes the pressures of others can make you feel like you’re not doing enough praying therefore certain things haven’t worked out for you. That isn’t necessarily true always, sometimes we need to pray for God to transform our attitude and grow our maturity to be ready to accept the new blessings, challenges, and responsibilities we're asking for. For to whom much is given, much is required in return. So, it’s best to get your house in order.Your future spouse and family are coming to a home full of love and stability. You don’t instantly become a great partner overnight, just like you don’t clean your house last minute when guests are staying over you have to prepare for their arrival beforehand.

All in all, don’t let anyone shame you about your singledom. There’s nothing wrong with being single or anything wrong with you. If you feel like you need counsel or therapy for yourself then that’s totally up to you and I encourage it. It’s helped me in my life journey. So, to all the strangers, family, or friends asking “why are you still single?”. Stop asking, it's frankly none of your business. Unless you willingly volunteer that information. Your love life is a private journey.

Comment down below some of the assumptions people surmised about why your single. We want to hear from you! 😊