The Gravity of Processing Grief

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Jai Highness

The new roaring 20’s is definitely not off to a great start with the loss of Pop Culture icons and the mass hysteria of the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems like the theme of this year is “loss”. I’ve definitely been affected directly with the recent passing of my grandmother last month. This is the second time in 5 years that I have lost a significant parental figure in my young adulthood. Now 28, I see now that most of my growing pains occurred in my 20’s with the loss of my mother at 23. My grandmother was the last direct connection to my mother.

Here are the top 5 things I learned when planning a funeral for a loved one:

Life insurance is very, very, important! Paying for life insurance overtime is a valuable investment for the most inevitable part of life, which death. It seems we focus on the taxes part of life more than death. The IRS is not going to pay for your funeral, which can cost from $5,700 for funeral services alone and that doesn’t even include the burial plot. In total, a funeral can cost up to $15,000 to $20,000 dollars which is a high out of pocket expense. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and during that time she planned and paid for her mausoleum. Her life insurance covered the cost for funeral services.

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Ask your elder or sickly loved ones their medical wishes. In the event, your loved one is incapacitated or unconscious its important to know if they would like specific measures or a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. While my grandmother was in the hospital for an amputation, she experienced some delirium after surgery. She was unable to have coherent conversations and I had to speak as a medical advocate on her behalf. So, its important to have a thoughtful medical plan that emphasizes on their quality of life and comfort. Luckily, my mother signed a DNR order before she went into hospice so we did not have to make that difficult decision.

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Understand the severity of diagnosis. Sometimes we can brush over the medical advice given to us as the medical advocate or family when asked to prepare for the worse. At times our loved ones still appear in good spirits or healthy. This is not to discourage any hope of optimism, because it’s important to remain genuinely positive and cherish each moment. The progression of a terminal illness varies from a few days, months, or years so its important to improve your nutrition and overall lifestyle to extend the limited time you have. Underlying complications like delirium or a coma can compromise a patient’s coherency. As the family, we provide gentle but firm reminders to our loved ones who may be in denial about their diagnosis.

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Be kind to yourself. When grieving its important to be aware of every emotion, this will help you to honor your feelings. So, cry or be upset but most importantly express your emotions in a healthy manner rather than being self-destructive or hurtful to others. Also, remember you are never alone in this experience which can be an overwhelming feeling. Therapy is a great way to equip yourself with the proper tools and direct you to activities that can serve as an outlet such as exercising or writing.

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Legacy and improving your quality of life. Death forces you to face your own mortality and all the things you haven’t accomplished. It also gives you the opportunity to forgive or mend relationships or the strength to leave unhealthy patterns in the past. Its time to break free of fear and embrace the opportunity life has to offer. No matter it be through failure or success, the key is discipline and consistency, which will guide you to prosperity.

I can recall the last conversations I had with my grandmother and it made me reflect on how she loved on me and raised me all those years. Also, all the knowledge and wisdom that would be leaving me once she passed. She was my direct-line to my Haitian culture, teaching me about homeopathic remedies and delicious food recipes such as legume and diri djon djon. It amazed me how naturally talented she was at being a loving homemaker and vibrant personality wrapped all in her 5’3 petite frame.

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