An Ode to Our Mothers: Netflix’s Our Mothers’ Garden Review

Credit: Netflix

This past Mother’s Day I sat down to watch In Our Mother’s Garden by filmmaker Shantrell P. Lewis. The documentary is a series of interviews with Reverend Dr. Theresa Thames, Brittany Cooper, Tarana Burke, and Latham Thomas just to name a few. The documentary opens with an Alice Walker quote “How simple a thing it seems to me that we know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers’ names”. This quote sets the tone of the documentary by suggesting that before we can get comfortable with who we are and how we function in this world, we must know and understand the women who came before us, and the women who raised us. Their strength and struggles have molded them into being women we look up to and in turn has helped shape the women we are and the women that we will become. The film has a few recurring themes that are present throughout the course of the interviews. The themes are the ways that we express our spirituality and our faith, the ways in which we express our love for one another, the ways in which we deal with trauma and the ways in which we define success and wealth and most importantly radical self care. It was interesting to listen to women who come from various backgrounds, who are successful and speak highly of the matriarchs in their families. I wanted to highlight some key points that resonated with me and the women who helped shape me into the fiery and fiercely independent woman that I am today.

Expressions of Love & Being Loved

The ways in which we as a people express love is very diverse. You have those who express love through quality time, through acts of service, or words of affirmation. While watching this documentary I came to the realization that a majority of our grandmothers and mothers showed their love through acts of service. Growing up it was rare the words “I love you'' strung together. It wasn’t until my mid to late 20s that I was intentional on telling my parents and siblings that I loved them. I knew that my mother and father loved me because they provided for me, they made sure I had food to eat and a place to sleep. The things that they did for us was in a way supposed to let us know that they loved us. But knowing that they loved us and hearing them express it was two very separate things. Tina Farris mentions that in trying to intentionally connect with her grandmother she practiced saying I love you, although she didn’t say it back she knew that she was loved. Tarana Burke spoke of how she knew her grandmother loved her when she went to the store and threw a brick through the window because someone else took it upon themselves to discipline her for talking back. This segment highlighted for me that although we may want to hear our matriarchs profess their love for us, we can tell that they loved us in the way that they protected and provided for us.

In the name of being loved, Erica Sewell speaks of her mother and the other strong women in her family being in loving relationships. This is sort of taboo especially in a society that likes to tell women that you cannot have it all. That women can’t be strong and independent and be in a loving supportive relationship with their significant others. I’m not sure why we are told this because we are hard working, strong and vocal on what will work and what will not work for us. We must be in relationships where we find partners who respect us and allow us to be ourselves. Women who are successful and independent can and will find a love that allows us to be who we intend to be while also giving us the love, support and care that we need. It’s imperative to ignore the pressures of getting older and being unmarried and to remember that it is possible to find a love that you need. And if all else fails we have the wise words of Dr. Koko Zauditu Selassie “ A man is like a bus, miss one catch the next”.

Dealing with trauma

Tina recounts the story of her grandmother losing her mother and two younger siblings at 19. This tragic loss in turn directly affected the way that she raised and taught her children and grandchildren to be. Her grandmother taught them to be very independent and to be strong because at a very young age that is what she had to be. Tina’s account of her grandmother experiencing such a great tragedy and having to pick up and move along shows that we don’t always have the time in the moment to deal with those experiences that will change how we live our lives and how we show up in the world. Black women dealing with their trauma is a story of survival. In the account of Rev. Theresa she tells us about her grandmother being a mother that kept up with appearances, and not really dealing with depression but instead throwing herself into work. How many times is it that we ignore the issue, push it to the back of our minds and throw ourselves into some thing that will completely distract us. The answer is way too often. The women who raised us didn’t have time to deal with depression, unhappiness, and even loneliness. They had to keep some parts of the story from us so that we didn’t inherit their trauma, they had to hold it together so that we could essentially be free.

This film focuses on how we will continue to learn our mothers journey throughout the course of our lives. We will continue to learn because they have tried to shelter us from their own trauma. I have experienced this first hand. My grandmother has never directly told me her story. I have always heard about my grandmother's story through her siblings or distant relatives. I gather that my grandmother didn’t/or doesn’t know how to reckon with the decisions she made to ensure that her children had a better life. My grandmother experienced great pain and sacrifice which in turn was handed down to my mother who as the eldest had to look after her younger siblings. My mother had to grow up much faster than the rest of her peers because it was her responsibility to take care of the home. In trying to deal with that trauma my mother suppressed much of her feelings and threw herself into the church and her relationship with God. In times of great stress, in times of happiness my mother always credited her faith in God for seeing her through. In addition to sheltering us, silence is also a noticeable theme when dealing with conflict and trauma. A majority of the women of this work could recount a time when they either were silent about their trauma or that they had to privately resolve them. I know firsthand how this helps us cope as it is one of my coping mechanisms as well. Our mothers taught us how to compartmentalize things in order for us to survive and thrive.

Defining Success & Wealth

Erica introduces us to her mother Iris Sewell and her mother’s upbringing by stating that her mother felt as though wealth was a pathway to access and opportunities. Her mother came from a family of 6 where her father worked as a janitor and cab driver to support the family. This statement is very profound because it shows that just because you are a black woman your blackness should not hinder you from getting what you want. Knowing that money is the barrier, building wealth is a gateway to the life that you want, to the things that you want and these things do not necessarily have to be material items. If you are wondering “well how can I set myself up to gain more success or to start building wealth”, no matter what stage you are in life your mindset plays a very important part in how well you will do. Erica reminds us of Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon, “... that you have to maneuver through life as if there are no limitations around you, that there are just limitations within you.” These are wise words to remember when forging a new path for yourself.

Healing & Radical Self Care

One of the things that this COVID pandemic has highlighted has been self care. The things we are doing to take care of ourselves, the ways in which we are taking care of our mental health and our bodies. Self care doesn’t have to be going out to purchase a new dress, or getting a massage or even getting our nails done. Self care can be doing the work to overcome childhood traumas, going to therapy, listing things about ourselves that we want to change so that we can show up and be a better person for ourselves and for the people who depend on us. This documentary has made it very clear that radical self care is a luxury. Our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers did not have the luxury to pause and make sure that they were ok after a traumatic event occurred. Brittany Cooper says that “Folks want you to care for yourself only if it doesn’t inconvenience them”. Rev. Theresa says that “Black women bear the burdens because we are all that we got”. Throughout history black women have had to take care of other people and have always put their needs last. Our worth as black women has always been seen in our work, how well we do something, how efficient and effective we can be. We are not applauded for a job well done until we produce something of value for someone else. What resonated with me the most was Brittany admitting that she wrestles with deserving the luxury to take the time to rest. This rang true because we are living in an era where it seems as though everyone is busy, everyone is grinding trying to build wealth, trying to reach goals that they have set for themselves to the point that you feel guilty that you aren’t as busy as they are. It can cause you to feel guilty for not juggling as many responsibilities that they are. Although we should be excited about our work and invest time into achieving our goals it is also important to rest.

Credit: Netflix

Healing and radical self care go hand in hand. It is our responsibility to self reflect and heal. No matter if you come from a working class family it is our responsibility to do the work. We are responsible for getting to the root of our issues no matter if we can afford a therapist or not. Doing the spiritual and soul work that needs to be done to overcome shame, to overcome grief and all of the traumas that we have faced will directly impact how successful you will be if we do not overcome the issues that are stunting our growth in the professional and personal realms. You can not perform at your best if you are neglecting yourself mentally and physically. I urge you all to seek therapy if and when needed, to rest, to pamper yourselves and if your day to day allows you to take a sabbatical in order to re-center and refocus your attention to taking care of yourself. Always check in with yourself to see what you need to thrive and not only survive.

I loved Netflix’s Our Mothers’ Garden. It made me want to find out more about the women that I am descendant of. This film is a tribute to our ancestors and shows that it is our duty to continue to retell their stores. For if it were not for them, we would not be here today. In Our Mothers’ Garden is a tribute to black women, to family and to legacy. If you all haven’t watched this yet please put it on your to watch list. You won’t regret it.