The Silent Battle of Depression

Have you ever struggled to get out of bed without real reason? Have you ever been overwhelmed by sadness or negative thoughts without cause? As a Black woman, I answer yes to all the above because the world creates a cloud around my blackness that can very much overwhelm me if unchecked.

Take a Depression Self-Assessment here.

Let's be clear, everyone has gone through episodes of depression cause things happens (i.e. grief due to loss, life transitions or trauma). But there is a slippery slope of unchecked depression that could leave us [Black women] susceptible to clinical depression, or major depressive disorder (MDD). Let me first define MDD to paint a clear picture of the extreme debilitation we can fall into if we do not deal with the daily stressors and circumstances involving our mere existence.

According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), major depressive disorder criteria is evidenced by at least 5 of the listed symptoms (1 symptom must include lost of interest/pleasure or depressive mood) within a 2 week period:

• depressed mood

• decreased interest/pleasure

• drastic weight changes

• insomnia/hypersomnia

• fatigue/loss of energy

• decreased self-worthiness

• indecisiveness or decreased focus

• reoccurring thoughts of death, suicidal ideations, and/or suicide attempt

**Note: These symptoms must significantly impair a person's ability to fulfill their work and family duties.

I personally have not been diagnosed with MDD but recognized the slippery slope I was on the last 4 years when it came to my mental health. Life events at work (this requires another blog posts, sigh) along with family obligations did not give me respite to properly take heed of my emotional, mental and spiritual needs. For a long time, I didn't feel I was worthy enough for anything or anyone. I isolated myself from society, lost interest in my hobbies and forgot to consume food and water too often.

Due to structural racism in my workplace, discrimination faced in local businesses and real or perceived pressures to succeed, I started to suffer from negative self-talk.

What's worse, I began to neglect my personal hygiene and presentation. I went from showering twice a day to maybe once a day, if somewhat functional. I stopped ironing my clothes. I completely neglected my hair and skincare routine. Due to my polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), my facial hair increased, which further lowered what self-esteem I had left. My hair began to thin out and became matted beyond repair. I began to have frequent cystic acne and started to hide myself further from the world. I was glued to my bed: Sleeping 7-8 hours each work night and still feeling too exhausted and numb to mind mine and other's feelings. Yet, my need to provide for myself and family is what forced me to get up and head to work each day.

I was on "GO" the majority of my day and never took the time to reflect inward.

I was a robot and completely foreign to my emotional state. Until one night, in the fall of 2018, I found myself crying uncontrollably at 3am. I woke up with tears and snot all over my face. I felt this deep dread for life that only grew stronger over the years. In my mind, life seemed an unnecessary battle. Yes... I've had suicidal ideations. I've dreamt of sleeping and never waking. I thought "since everyone only cares about how they felt and never once took the time to care for me, sleeping forever wouldn't change much." I thank God that I've never dreamt of actually taking my life. I know for certain that if I didn't stop, internally reflect and listen to my body and spirit, MDD would have gotten it's tight grip on me.

I was never officially diagnosed with MDD but as a mental health professional, It too much time for me to recognize my symptoms in my clients. I began to use my work knowledge on myself. Finally addressed the roots to my changed behaviors and thoughts, lack of "life-lived" and the overwhelming pessimism took brutal transparency with the most important person in my life, God. While in the thick of my depression the following strategies really helped me put to words my struggle to bring it to God in prayer and eventually my tribe through my cries for help.

JOURNALS ARE MIRRORS TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS

I wrote in my journal every time negative self-talk or suicidal/anti-life thoughts came to mind. I wrote down the thought verbatim and challenged it with the following questions: (1) Why am I thinking this? (2) Who/what brought me to this conclusion? (3) What does God say about me in the Bible that supports/contradicts this? (4) What do I need to remove/change in my life to not support this idea?

GIGO (Garbage in, Garbage Out)

Stealing from my Stats professor, GIGO is a term that states that if the data collected is garbage, the results will be garbage. This is really a Biblical concept as well. What our eyes take in, ears hear and mouth consumes so will we see, continue to hear and speak out. After my journal entry, I made it a point to pray and make a list of the things in my life that supported my negative thoughts and removed/limited them as much as possible. Now, it is important to not become an empty vessel. We must fill ourselves with the positive things that restore our identity and self-worth. For me, that was returning to what God said about me, my power and essence.

MINDFULLY TAP YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

I've always been the "strong" friend that my loved ones could count on. Unfortunately, this meant that I rarely was able to be vulnerable. Getting out of this thick depression required a level of vulnerability and transparency with my loved ones that I've never had.

It's important to share your struggles prayerfully and carefully. In 2014, I first tried to reach out to my support system through my mother. Unfortunately, her going through her own struggles, her recent separation from her husband of 30+ years, impacted her ability to truly listen. I told my mom verbatim that her speaking ill of my father made me feel like she hated half of me. I confessed to her that I dreamt of dying to get away from the toxicity. Sadly, she continued to speak ill of my father just seconds after my confession. She was too deep in her grief of loss of their relationship to see that her child was crying out to her. In retrospect, I now know that a hurt person can't help me in times of crisis. But at the time of my confession, the pain of being ignored in a time of crisis caused me to put up a strong façade for the subsequent 4 years.

After my emotional breakdown in 2018, I shared my struggle with my sister and best friends. I shared with them signs to look out for if and when I may be falling back into depression. The thing is, your support system cannot help you if you haven't properly learned your baseline (when mentally well) and deviations (symptoms of depression personalized to you). In order to be healthy, you must have healthy communication and relationships.

Your taking the step to cry out for help may also be the aha moment for your loved ones. When I told my big sister about my struggle with depression, she was actually able to step back and evaluate her past years as well. She immediately realized that she too was battling depression.

You do not have to be the "strong" friend, daughter, wife or mother 24/7. Take a break and let your support system take that "strong" role when needed. You're human too.

I recently started seeing a therapist to assist with my personal healing. My support system is great but having an additional support that would really focus on you without judgement is quite beneficial. Truth be told, I am personally against clergymen providing mental health counsel if they do not possess a professional mental health license (i.e. LCSW, LPC, LMFT). Too often, we are unable to heal because of misguided or generalized counsel from religious communities. Telling someone to "pray about it" does not undo negative self-talk alone. Quoting scripture alone ignores the real, raw human emotion and provides a dream of solution without a charted path. God knows our humanity and wants us to bear it all to Him intimately. That is one part of the work, the other requires application. God created therapists for that very reason... to help us connect the heart and mind to heal the entire body.

From my sharing my journey, I still received spiritual counsel through my own time with God, His Word and my sisters of faith. It is imperative to undo the negative self-talk through prayer AND therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

COPING VS FIGHTING

I never truly like the word "coping" when it comes to mental wellness, especially when speaking to Black members of the community. We shouldn't have to cope with racism as we have. Racism is as damaging as drops of water on a rock. It seems nonsensical to everyone except the rock bearing the persistent blow of that drip. It will continue to chip us away and we [the rocks] have to fight daily to truly "live" in spite of it.

We have to fight everyday to gain control over our internal.

Many say racism is incurable. I agree, but only to an extent. We cannot control systems and people outside of our being. On the bright side, we have power and control over our internal. Breaking racism's control of our mind and heart is doable through healing, discovery of self through faith, self-awareness and our intentional responses to the external world. Our mental, emotional and spiritual health are just as important, if not more, as our physique and finances.

Additional Recommendations for Fighting Depression:

1. Journal, practice your spirituality and mindfulness to help with negative-thoughts.

2. Get plenty of sunlight daily and spend time in nature.

3. Unplug from social media as necessary if it is a major source of your negative thoughts.

4. If you must isolate, notify your support system before you ghost.

5. Try to keep up your personal hygiene, self-care and beauty routine.

6. Schedule eating times to ensure you are eating and drinking enough water.

7. Listen to your favorite type of music as often as you can.

8. Seek a licensed mental health professional.

9. Identify a loved one to discuss your depression with.

10. Practice self-forgiveness and patience.

Mental Health Resources:

If you are in need of affordable mental health services, visit https://www.nami.org/ to find your local mental health authority for resources OR therapyforblackgirls.com.