My Biggest Insecurity - My Foot

This topic is very touchy for me and to actually be writing about it is a big step. I was taking a shower one night and I kept repeating the title in my head “my biggest insecurity - my foot” and I started to narrate in my head of how I was going to begin telling my story about my foot. I had to tell my thoughts to relax and wait until I was in front of my laptop. At first I was reluctant to even open up about this but then I realized that in order to grow you have to be willing to change.

For a very long time I have dealt with the reality of having a swollen foot and it has affected the way I feel about myself, like what I choose to wear, the kind of shoes I can wear and

the list goes on. All around it has just been one exhausting journey having to deal with the consciousness that there is something wrong with my foot. I’d ask “How will people look at me? Will they judge me and make fun of me? Will I find a man to love me just the way I am?” I mean the list goes on.

From what I can remember when I was five or six years old, I came home from school one day and had a burning fever and my groin was hurting. I remember laying on the bed crying and my mother was at my side taking care of me. From what I’ve been told, my right foot was swollen first. I was living in Haiti back then and was taken to the doctor where I was prescribed medication. It worked and my problem went away. Fast forward to a few years later, I was living in the US and I remember I was ten or eleven years old getting ready for school, when I struggled to put on my shoe on my left foot I was having a hard time and realized that my swelling had resurfaced.

Honestly I don’t think my foot affected me so much back then because it wasn’t that noticeable. I have tried going to many different specialists, my condition is referred to as Lymphedema which has no cure. I have tried many home remedies, my mom has never given up, she was always trying to find new remedies and my family never stopped praying for me.hey always had faith and hoped that I would find healing.

A few years ago I was having a conversation with my aunt and she was telling me that I have to accept it as being a part of who I am and that it didn’t take away from my beauty. I remember that night I got really defensive as I usually do when people try to tell me to embrace it. That was the same night that my aunt told me that she had breast cancer and already had her breast removed. I cried so much that night and as much as I wanted to embrace my foot, it was hard and still is just not as much. I am still careful about my wardrobe, the shoes I wear, etc. Shopping can be very depressing at times because I’m reminded of my foot.

After seeing so many specialists, trying different remedies, I had lost hope in ever finding healing for my foot. I had changed my primary care doctor last year and I explained to him about my foot and he referred me to a vein doctor. The vein doctor told me that I don’t have a problem in my lymph, the problem is in my vein and he explained that it could be fixed with painless laser surgery. For a moment I thought that this doctor was God sent, but I still had doubt in the back of my mind. I left the doctor’s office and haven’t gone back ever since because I am too afraid of what can go wrong. I know I am contradicting myself, to see that I was looking for the right doctor all of these years and when I finally found one, I’m afraid to act.

Women like Bellenge https://instagram.com/bellenge?igshid=tnflmlopcaqu whom I recently started following on Instagram made me realize that we have to embrace our flaws. Some of us do it better than others. I came across another video on instagram of a woman with no arms, and did her makeup using her feet https://www.instagram.com/tv/CFaFIDqjVic/?igshid=1g85rrmge7uj9. There are many women, just people in general who also have other deformities or something that they are dealing with but they have learned to not let it define who we are and that’s where I struggle the most. As I am getting ready to celebrate another year of life, I wanted to be brave and bold to share a part of me that I try to hide. I have decided that I will not let my swollen foot define who I am.