What My Break Up with A White Friend Taught Me About Racism

NOTE: Monica is a pseudonym.

After moving to Austin, Texas and finding a home church, I decided to join a small group to build out my tribe. That's where I meant Monica. We started to hang out because we just clicked. We bonded over our childhood tomboy/outdoorsy ways. Fast forward 2 years, Monica and I became regular parts of each other’s experience in Austin. We cooked together, went to paint and game nights, enjoyed the great outdoors and even spent a few holidays together.

Race may be a manmade thing but its impact on our experiences and treatment in the world is very much real.

Despite enjoying one another’s company, I began to realize that our friendship was extremely surface-level. One night, I mentioned that I was going to walk in a friend’s wedding and how said friend was one of the few people that I would consider to be a godmother to my future children. Monica responded asking, “What about me?” At the time, I didn’t really understand why I answered the way I did. Hindsight, I realize how my intuition was trying to tell me something when I answered, “No.”

Early last year, our friendship was beginning to become an emotional vacuum. I found myself avoiding spent time with Monica. Out of guilt and genuine effort to go against what I thought was a selfish instinct, I intentionally called and checked on her from time to time. Even after two years, I felt that something was still not right about our friendship. I grew depressed and felt that maintaining the relationship was becoming a third job instead of a safe space for recharging. So I started to look internally for answers and directions. I thought that maybe I was not allowing myself to get emotionally deeper in the relationship. I even feared that my fear of "making someone feel unloved" was clouding my mind and heart.

I eventually decided to seek therapy to really get in tune with what my body and spirit was trying to tell me. After many sessions with my therapist and God in prayer, I decided ending the friendship was the best thing for us both. Soon after, I met up with Monica and told her "I am having a hard time being emotionally vulnerable with you and that is not fair to you or myself. I've felt recently that your experience in our friendship is completely different than mine. I honestly do not feel the closeness you describe. I cannot remain in this friendship feeling like this." I never once brought race into my reason because it really wasn't the reason. I really wanted her to know that I couldn't keep on in this friendship that would not benefit both of us.

She immediately asked me, “Why? What did I do wrong?” I was prepared for her questions and adamant to keep our break up short and to the point. I even practiced my break up speech for weeks with other friends to ensure that I stood my ground when it came to my feelings. During my reflection of our relationship, It was painfully clear that it became routine for me to soothe her and neglect my own feelings. This time, I stood my ground and focused on me. The goal of the break up was to finally speak what I was feeling so she knew too. As cliché as it sounds, It was not about her but me.

One week later, I received this text from her:

I've been holding on to this text because I was still processing it. I swear, friendship break ups are just as painful as romantic ones. Nonetheless, every time a chapter closes there are lessons to gain from it. I’m not going to provide context for the things I supposedly did while “not loving her”. That is my side of the story and will remain with me. I prefer to move forward. After processing Monica’s text and really getting back to my own self, it is clearly evident that she was not a true friend to me and an unsafe space for me to be vulnerable.

1. Her inability to acknowledge my feelings when I was vulnerable, began my long standing stage of emotional confusion and numbness.

2. Her jealousy over my time spent alone with other friends grew worrisome. I subconsciously started hiding my “fun” with other friends from her to not make her jealous. Even when I tried to introduce her to my friends, she didn’t try to spark conversations with them.

3. Her constant capitalization of our conversations about her daily “struggles” to get my “social work” help was too frequent and unnerving. She never was there for me when I needed emotional support.

Her friendship sucked all my mental, emotional and social energy. Hindsight, she exhibited some narcissistic tendencies that negatively threatened my peace and hindered my authenticity in our friendship.

--

Since the tragic broadcast of George Floyd’s murder by police, moments in this friendship began to arise in my mind. Our friendship really forced me to accept that my body and mind were sending me warnings due in part to Monica’s conscious and/or unconscious racism. Her text was a direct response to my cutting her off from the services I provided her as a comfortable, really censored, Black presence. Any perceived challenge or lack of compliance from a Black or non-Black person of color almost always generates similar patterns of defense from individuals with racist ideologies. Her text hurt me because I genuinely loved this woman but it revealed the hidden poison that kept our friendship superficial. Let me dive into the tell-tale signs of racist deflection in this text.

The “I Don’t See Color” Defense

Although I only brought up race issues three times during our friendship, Monica was, unbeknownst to her, really fascinated by race and Blackness. Our first conversation on race was in Spring 2018. Since I’ve known Monica, she has only dated and introduced me to 3 different Black men. Out of genuine curiosity and desire to understand her experiences, I asked her, “Do you only date Black men? I’ve never seen you with a White man.” She responded, “White men's skin is too pasty." She didn't say anything else. When I dug further to see if she had bad experiences with White men, she simply said, “I dated them in the past but just prefer Black men.” At this time, my mind was like, “Maybe Monica has attributed negativity to her own race.” I left it at that and just lifted her up in my prayer since we were only 4-5 months into our relationship.

The second time the topic of race came up was while we were waiting in a restaurant for a table. A little cute boy, who happened to be White, was charging towards the front door of the restaurant. His mother was running tiringly after him. I stepped in front of his path and bent down and smiled, “Don’t run from your mommy.” The mother caught up and chatted with me for a while. When I returned to my seat next to Monica, she asked, “Wouldn’t he be cuter if he was mixed?” I was taken aback and responded, “Black kids are cute, White kids are cute, Asian kids are cute.” This incident planted the seed that made me answer “no” when she asked if I’d make her a godmother to my future children. She projected her racial ideas on an innocent child.

The third, strangest time for me was when she asked me if I found her fiancé, a Black man, attractive. Yea, you heard me clearly. This woman asked another woman if she found her soon to be husband attractive. The first year of our friendship, I confided in Monica about my need for boundaries when discussing romantic relationships with my girl friends. I was shocked and really uncomfortable that she even asked me such a question knowing that. I simply answered “no” and quite quickly and easily because I SERIOUSLY DID NOT find him attractive in any way. I didn’t even want to think about him in that way because he was her fiancé.

The fourth, well really many mini occasions of the same nature, she only exhibited attraction to non ambiguous Black men and women's bodily features and validated the beauty of lighter skin Black women.

Incident 1: I was telling her about my 10 Year Class Reunion in Miami. She said she really wanted to come with me to see the “beautiful Black men” on my timeline and Instagram feeds. Need I remind you, she was in a relationship.

Incident 2: She wanted to see a picture of my big brother. My brother is really allergic to camera’s so I showed her a group shot of him and his friends. When looking at the picture, she immediately pointed at the lightest, brightest Black woman and said, “she is so beautiful.” There were so many beautiful dark skinned women in the photo but she only pointed out the one light-skinned person. She then proceeded to comment on every dark-skinned Black woman and man's body shapes.

Incident 3: When I was looking at a picture of one of my beautiful dark skin sisters, M.M., she immediately pointed out her lips and said “I wish my lips were like that. Are her lips fake?”

Incident 4: When I came to visit her after church service, since she was sick, I removed my blazer and she immediately commented on my “powerful" shoulders and wished, "I wish mine were that way."

For someone who fancies herself “colorblind”, she is really fascinated by melanin and African bodies and features.

The “I Have Black Friends” Defense

When naming her friend and fiancé in her text message, Monica literally tried to justify her statement of "my racism” by naming her relationships with other Black people. Nonetheless, her naming them and saying they agree with her is really telling. I’ve never mentioned race in Brandon’s presence. Jose heard of some of our racial conversations when Monica was scoring Black men on my Bumble for me. He also heard some when I invited my coworkers and Monica to my pool for a late night swim. My Black and White coworkers were speaking about our company’s issues with promoting the Black women on the team. The entire time, she never tried to spark conversation with my coworkers and stayed in her own corner kissing and touching Jose.

The thing I hate most about this defense is that it assumes that Black people are a monolith. We attract and keep those around us that align with our views. I don’t know Brandon or Jose. I only know of them. I will say that they’ve never been vocal about Black issues while we hung out and that is their prerogative.

The “Focus on Jesus Christ not Race” Defense

Now this portion of her message really rubbed me in a very bad way. By the time I read the line stating “I was racist”, the mere mention of Christ and what He wants in our relationship really enraged me. White Christians with racist ideologies is my Achilles heel. For one, I believe that Western Christianity mocks the teachings of Jesus Christ. The use of Christianity in robbing the indigenous people in the Americas and Africa, to the watered down application of the Gospels and the justification of the enslavement, dehumanization and oppression of deeply melaninated (yeah I made this word up) people was against all Jesus stood for. I am appalled by the ignorance and hatred that my White brethren prefer to cling to other than the pure examples of holiness, love and justice of Jesus Christ. Monica’s mention of Jesus felt like an attempt to manipulate me in the worst of ways to feel something that was completely contrary to my experience. My God never called us to ignore the sin in the world. In order to be freed from sin, we must acknowledge it and then make a commitment through faith AND WORKS to sin no more. Racism is sin manifested.

Her notion that I must change "the way I think" is completely out of context. Romans 12:2 tell us to "not conform to the patterns of the world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind." I have worked and continue to work out my internalized racial inferiority daily to not let experiences dictate how I treat people of other hues. God has taught me to love people because they have value. He showed me to judge only when character manifests, by people's fruits. She was so eager to throw this Christian stance at me without reflecting on herself. That is exactly what corrupt "Christian" slave owners did to nullify descent amongst human beings of African descent. The only thing I have to repent for in this relationship was not listening to God earlier on and ending it.

Anyhow, I digressed. Let me remind you, my break up speech was about me, my need for healing and wanting her to be in a reciprocally vulnerable friendship. I started our relationship with love and endured it as long as I did because of that love. No one can remain healthy and stay in a relationship that continues to dehumanize them by ignoring their emotional needs. If I can’t verbalize my pain with you, you are not my friend. If I can’t be my complex self around you, you are not my friend. I never used racism as an excuse in our break up but she did. She attributed the loss of a Black female friend to racism. She says my lack of vulnerability was because “I was racist against her” and that “I don’t share my feelings.” She cannot see that the times I have opened up that she completely gaslighted me and refocused the conversation to herself. Despite a heart to heart after one of these incidents, she persisted to ignore my experiences and feelings, essentially ignoring me. My vulnerability is a gift reserved for my trusted friends. I lost hope that she would ever see me as a human being. She only saw me as a physical form for comfort or service.

The ending of her text was the only thing that I cared to internalize. It was a genuine concern for my healing and a lesson to learn from the breakup. I have indeed learned a great one: individuals with racist ideology are narcissistic in nature and aren't deserving of my time nor energy. Narcissism cannot beget empathy. A true friend to me is one who cares for the broken me and not only the life of the party, the pain as well as the joy and my humanness. A true friend would have wished me well and left it at that. Philippians 4:8-9 reads, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” I have remained true to the Word and acted honorably and justly. I was pure in my intent and delivery and continued to love on her. I practiced God’s love by minding my tongue, not acting in anger after receiving her text, and working to perfect love in myself.

So Monica, if you are reading this, I pray you grew from this experience in your own way. I pray God revealed an area of growth that would make your future marriage and other friendships even more robust. We may not walk this life together anymore, but I wish you walk the life God has for you with a learning, selfless and amiable spirit.