Navigating Interracial Relationships in a Racial World

Race. Racism. Dating. Love. The past few years, especially 2020, really forced many of us to question our own biases towards loving across racial lines. Nervous about entering an interracial or intercultural relationship, check out our Let’s Try Something New in 2021 & "Are you Ethnic?": The Highs & Lows of Swirldom articles for more. I had to come to grips with the fact that I was terrified of being fetishized, tokenized and/or a reducer of any guilt or shame my pursuers may feel. First of all, let me begin by prefacing that race is a man made thing. Despite it being man made, its impact on how we are viewed and how we navigate the world around us is very much real.

Now living in the United States during the global protests against police brutality against Black bodies was and is a lot. Navigating the dating scene during such contention as a Black/African woman was indeed a bit nerve wracking. Many men, who presented as White/Caucasian, were either starting conversations to prove their “woke-ness” or a “genuine” appreciation for my “chocolate-ness” Both are hella cringe. I am not my skin! I am not my hair! I am the soul within just like India Arie says.

Here are my tips for curving the crazy:

ONE:

I urge all my Black sistahs, regardless of sexuality, ethnicity, religion or place of origin to make a list of their top 3 non-negotiables and top 3 red flags. Having this list makes screening the lunatics more effective. If a guy, regardless of how physically attractive he is displays any of your 3 red flags, drop him. Don’t even respond to that DM sis.

“Now a good man is a good man regardless of his background.“

TWO:

Really evaluate your own personal biases towards every racial/ethnic group. To be sincere in this post… I’ll model this below:

I personally was afraid of dating a White American man because I just didn’t want to be with someone who was lost in the sauce culturally. I don’t care if he came from the South, Midwest, West Coast or Northeast. I didn’t have time to navigate the family racist politics and was NOT going to subject myself to that at all.

I also wanted to only date 1st/2nd generation Americans. I’m from the Caribbean and am well aware of the Green Card marriage stunts folks are pulling. Not this Haitian lady. I will never date someone who has no legal standing in the United States. I need our courting/dating to be based on getting to know each other ONLY. Also, I have a lot in common with children of immigrants. There’s a shared worldview there that immigrant and/or U.S. foundational Americans do not have. I do not feel like teaching anyone that perspective.

Yes, these biases did limit me some BUT only for trauma, comfort and value reasons. Notice, I’ve never barred White men connected to their European heritage in my biases. But, I had to understand what I was really avoiding with these biases to open my pool of suitors.

THREE:

Auto screen your top 3 non-negotiables in your dating app.

FOUR:

Finally and most importantly, focus on your needs as a woman. Everything else will follow. As women, we flourish when we are protected, adored, respected and seen as our individual selves. Focus on finding a good man. Not a nice man... I said a good man. One that respects you truly, speaks his mind and is vulnerable with you, wants to provide, love on and care for you. A man that does without request the things a man should in a relationship: pursue, dedicate his time/finances to wooing you no matter how long/how much it takes because he respects and desires the queen that is you.

I’ve told myself in my 20s, I am a good woman and want to respect the man I marry.

My respect is a genuine appreciation for who he is inside and out (in the now) and all he wants HIMSELF TO BE (in the future). A good man is future, legacy and growth minded. A real man wants AND IS building his kingdom for his queen and children to thrive. A real man wants to be challenged and is intrinsically motivated. A good man knows who he is and doesn’t bend to the advice of insecurely masculine men.

Trash men exist in every race. Good men exist in every race. Don’t let racial politics and tension lessen your chances to receive love from a good man made for you. You’ll know when you meet him. If they are of another race, race will not even be a foundational factor in y'all's relationship. You’re a woman first and only. Your skin color is not your identity.

Check out KimAllNaturelle's Video Commentary of Challenges that IR Relationships Must Overcome

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFBHHxD1-Gc

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