Am I the Friend I'd Want & Need?

Seriously... am I?

We all had good and bad experiences when it comes to building friendships. I have already shared my latest bad experience that led to me breaking up with one of my White friends. Friendship is not a solo dance. It takes two willful individuals to start it and maintain it. On the other hand, it also takes two to end it. In the case of my friendship with Monica, we both contributed to the end. She didn’t acknowledge my feelings and I didn’t express them persistently earlier on. We both were at fault and I take responsibility for my part. The lessons learned from ending friendships should be about growing who you are and strengthening future relationships. Every time I’ve closed a door, I always reflect inwardly to grow. In this case, I asked myself, “Am I the Friend I Would Want & Need?”

Everyone has toxic personality traits and habits. It takes maturity to pinpoint these habits to work on dismantling them. In all transparency, I am a hot mess. I’m stubborn, can be explosive when pushed to damn much, inpatient, an overthinker and sadly condescending. All of these traits were things that I had to be honest about to really work them out of my “go to response tool box”. Trust, this ain’t easy but is necessary to step out of ourselves to improve our relationships. Doing so allowed me to gather life lessons even when I encounter bumps in the road. Here are some lessons I’ve learned in past tiffs or break ups with friends, family and coworkers:

1. No one can anticipate my feelings. I must articulate them.

2. People are different and have their own goals and dreams.

3. There’s a time to listen and a time to give advice.

4. When correction comes from love, understanding grows.

5. It is not all about me ALL THE TIME.

These lessons and my list of “personality fails” would not have come if I didn’t meditate, pray and self-reflect regularly. You may not want to stick a magnifying glass on the ugliest parts of yourself BUT it is the best thing to do for not only your friends, family and coworkers but also yourself.

---

Here is an awesome tool to help you in your self-reflection. I love using The Johari Window in my spiritual devotions to really evaluate others’ experiences of me and how much I do or do not embody God’s words about me. We all have a slight bent on reality and need a lot of reality testing to ensure we are operating in the same plane as others - well as much as possible at least.

1. So to start, make a list of adjectives describing yourself.

2. Have your friends, family and coworkers describe you. Write the adjectives used in a 2nd list. Comparing the two lists, circle the adjectives that appear on both.

3. Now draw a diagram [like the one above] in your notebook or journal. Write in the adjectives that appeared on both lists in the top left quadrant.

4. Write in the adjectives on your list that aren’t circled in the bottom left quadrant.

5. Write in the non-circled adjectives given by your friends, family and coworkers’ list in the top right quadrant.

6. If you are a spiritual person, fill the bottom right quadrant with adjectives that your spiritual guide or source has given you.

7. When done, meditate on the window and try to identify positive and negative trends. You will see that the positive traits listed can help you overcome the negative. So no fret.

It is super important to be real with yourself to really BE yourself. No one is perfect and no one’s ego should be so big that they begin to think they’re better than the next person. I hope this technique helps suss out the negative aspects of your personality and/or habits. I give all my negatives to God and work daily to workout and highlight my positive traits.