Confessions of a Single Lady: Why is Dating So Hard?

I confess, I’ve never been the girl to plan out my future wedding, make a list of what I want in a future husband or take precious girl talk time to discuss crushes. I am a Black woman that has long straddled the fine line between “I want to get married and have a family.” and “singleness is a blessing.” As of today, I’ve been out of a relationship for about 8 years. It’s not that I haven’t tried dating, it’s just that dating is rocket science to me. I'm an introverted, logic-first, precarious, human analyzer that hates superficial talk kind of woman. It seems to take everything that I am not to do date “properly.”

Up until recently, dating was not a top priority. The last 5 years, I’ve dipped my toes in and out of the dating pool in efforts to stay aware of customs. I honestly felt and still feel I wasn’t outgoing, dainty or patient enough to endure the modern dating process. I really wish I dated more before moving to Austin because my only “dating” experiences have really been in one city. In a nutshell, here are my reasons why dating is so hard?

Dating Is Worse Than Graduate School

Graduate school is no cake walk. The sleep deprivation, the struggle to concentrate enough to understand the curriculum and the poor attempts of socialization is rough. But, I will say that I’ll take graduate school over today’s dating scene any day. The goal with school is graduation and as long as you commit time and energy to studying and completing your assignments, you will get there. Dating doesn’t work like that at all because it takes two people to tango and is a whole body experience.

The Pool is Too Deep & Extremely Vast

I legitimately think I would be okay with an arranged marriage. At least I can focus on building and learning someone for a lifetime and not in short, unyielding stints that I can never get back. Studying someone enough to get to know the core of who they are takes lots of time and energy. The thing is, not everyone is willing to take the time and energy to do the same. So graduating from single to married is somewhat an elusive process.

What’s worse? Finding a suitable and compatible match is a huge undertaking. No one is perfect, I certainly am not. But finding someone that will add to you and not take away from your personal life’s vision and mission is no easy task! It’s like taking the core classes for all available degrees to figure out what degree matches you. That's idiotic and will take away your energetic years. In order to find your match, you really have to get to know numero uno, yourself. My 20s has been dedicated to doing just that to really understand what I absolutely did not want in a partner. The thing is, today's dating world is a show of some sorts. Many are out there to get a quick fix or are trying to lock something down without doing the personal work.

I Need a MentalGasm

I get bored really easily. If someone or something losses my attention, I’m mentally gone. Because I want others to feel loved and appreciated, I do not keep on in dead situations and am really direct when it’s not right. I need to be with someone who is a natural intellectual. Believe me when I say, knowing random facts or having a degree does not automatically make someone an intellectual. I need someone who can articulate ideas and apply them practically in real time. Turning me on requires a cerebral rhumba. As strange as it sounds, I need to be taken out of the physical moment and journey mentally in conversation to finally experience said physical moment lol. My girl, Jai Highness, finally defined this phenomenon to me... apparently, I'm sapiosexual. But the dating scene isn’t always that deep when it comes to communication. Folks are overly focused on sexual intimacy -- scratch that, sexual experience-- without really seeing into me and showing their deep true selves.

Dating Advice Births Dating Confusion

Again I say, I never really asked anyone, apart from my late grandmother, about dating. All I’ve learned about romantic relationships came through natural introverted observation skills lol. That doesn’t mean I haven’t received unsolicited advice from my Haitian mother, aunts, elder church ladies and my girl friends who were in relationships. They say:

“You are too strong-willed."

“You should not be thinking about boys."

“You’ll find him in church.”

“You have to speak less.”

“You should give every guy a chance.”

You should try online dating.”

“You need to focus less on school.”

“You need to act more girly.”

“You need to be yourself.”

“You think too much. Try thinking less and feeling more.”

Dating advice from other women can cause major headaches. Most, if not the majority, of women do not understand men. I really do miss having male friends around. They help me understand the motivations of a male pursuer. There seems to be something that is not clicking for me when it comes to dating. I’m trying to think less of dating as a concept and more as an experience… but man, my frustration with the emotionality of it all and the lack of patience from men I’ve encountered when I did step out into the pool has been a big deterrent.

I know there is a lot of connecting my mind and heart to do in this matter. 2020 is a great year to continue to work on this… maybe just maybe I’ll be ready to wade in the dating water when this global pandemic wanes. Until then, I’ll be glowing up in the safety of my home.

Drop us a comment if you feel a certain way about dating.