Friends, How Many of Us Have Them?

As humans, relationships play a major role in our development, fulfillment and experiences of life. True friendships are cherished and romantic relationships are the proverbial “cherry on top”. I will be dedicating a series towards this human relationship that would lean on all too common experiences we face in finding and maintaining healthy friendships.

Giving Their Roses While They Are Here

As Black women, we too desire and need friendships to not only survive but thrive. Friendships bring out the best, the funniest and the warmest out of us. I am truly fortunate and grateful for the deep friendships that I have in my life. From my sistahs here at I Am B Woman to the women I do life with on the daily. My tribe of sisters are truly unique, diverse and bring to my life the things I need to thrive as a human being: respect, genuine support, inspiration and joy. This post is dedicated to my tribe.

They “See” Me

As a child, I’ve always been lost in my own head. I experienced so much richness in my imagination and was never willing to remain in “reality” too long. Little did I know, my introversion would grow beyond my formative years. There are indeed pros and cons to introversion. When left in our own minds, we introverts tend to fail in building connections with other human beings beyond shared endeavors or tasks. It takes a kindred spirit, a meeting of existential understanding, for us to remain in the realities of our physical lives. Many members of my tribe have met me at this strange place of pure humanity.

“This deep connection with my tribe allows me to be vulnerable and unashamed of my weaknesses and weirdness. It is indeed a joy to be oneself in all ways.”

It is rare for anyone to meet a person who sees them as they do and accepts it. My tribe, in their own way, did that. They didn’t once pressure me to conform to their personal leanings. Many understood my need for “me time” to properly function in social settings. Many knew that I wouldn’t overly emote during high stress conflict but showed my care through action. They do not judge me, allow me to live my own life, learn from my mistakes and grow in my own time. They take who I am as a gift and don’t try to manipulate another person out of me.

They Challenge Me

Yes, my tribe’s similarities did attract me to them BUT our differences deepened our bond. We cherished each other's strengths, recognized each other’s weaknesses and supported one another where the other lacked. As Black women, we are often only egg’d on if our endeavors directly benefit those around us. Society has wired us to think that everything else done is inherently selfish and unladylike.

My tribe goes against this in so many areas of my life. They selflessly revel in my endeavors regardless of its impact on their lives. I too experience great pride and joy in their accomplishments. We do not compare each other’s journey but serve as reminders of each other’s self-professed goals and aspirations. I repeat, self-professed goals. We do not project our personal wishes on one another’s life. My relocating to another state, although sad, was not meant with feelings of abandonment. Them meeting their health or financial goals did not instill jealousy in me but admiration and hope in my own journey. We hold each other accountable to our goals and confront one another when we are working against our own self-interest.

They Cry with Me

In life, we experience many things that bring us sadness (i.e. death of loved ones, failures and even broken relationships). My tribe is there through it all and do not hold that over my head when in peril - they do not keep records of service received. I make an effort to be there for my friends during their times of need as well. In the last decade, many of us lost our parents and/or grandparents. To help one another through life transition, we stick a balance of grief and celebration. We allow one another to feel whatever feelings that arise without reprimand.

Recently, a few of my friends had to endure the first New Year without their loved one. Death is never an easy thing to process but it is a part of life. There is no perfect way to be there for someone. Sometimes being there for one another is being physically present and silent, reminiscing on the good memories, hugging and allowing one to break down after being “strong” for the family for years. We honor each other’s inner most pain and joy. We all experience loss but having a tribe where we all can reflect on the losses individually all while authentically moving through the nonlinear stages of grief without competition or solution is important.

They Laugh with Me

As stated prior, healthy friendships bring joy and youthful innocence to the forefront. As serious as I am in public spaces (i.e. work and volunteer groups), I am a goofball. My friends get to see that side of me and most importantly, they understand my dark sarcasm lol. There is no greater joy than to be silly and playful without negative consequence. After all the negatives we face as women who happen to be deeply "melaninated", our relationships are and must be safe spaces to exist in our entirety.

Friendships aren’t solely meant for adventure and fun. It is a relationship that strengthens through the ups and downs of life. As humans, we will go through cycles of sadness and joy, pain and pleasure, and failure and victories. Friendships must be able to endure all these cycles. It’s through these cycles that bonds are strengthened.

They Inspire Me

Honestly, you are the company you keep. I wholeheartedly believe that bad company corrupts good character. My tribe, like me, are far from perfect but they are perfectly imperfect. I can identify the things I admire the most in each member of my tribe:

E.D. is hilarious, grounded, spiritually-minded and optimistic (as much as she thinks she is not). She is not afraid of change. When she commits, she commits hard. Her word is her bond and I hope to be a force as she is.

V.C. is creative, an intellectual and disciplined juggernaut in anything she commits to. She forever strives for balance in all areas of her life and has great boundaries. She articulates her needs and learns from her and other’s life experiences. She inspires me to be a continual learner and to become a master of my self and self-image.

J.N. is charismatic, sweet and self-reflective. She has a strong sense of identity and constantly works to uplift her and others voices. She’s extremely empathic and always seeks to heal herself and those around her. She inspires me to be more attuned with my complex emotions.

N.L. is a breath of fresh air. There is no guessing game with her since she loves herself wholeheartedly. Her emotional intelligence is by far what I admire. She feels deeply and doesn’t try to hide it and doesn’t burn out because she refuses to overextend herself. She inspires me to be more present-minded and more emotive.

C.L. is a thought leader, spiritually-minded intellect and my actual biological sister. Despite knowing what nerve to hit, we have grown closer in our adult lives than we ever were. I think we got closer because we’ve been learning how to practice vulnerability with each other. She challenges me like really really hard… but that’s just what older siblings do lol. I admire her tenacity towards pouring into the babes in our family, self-knowledge and growth.

J.F. is spiritually grounded, optimistic and a healing presence. She is unapologetically a woman of faith and carries her values across multiple spaces in her life. She is goofy and really blunt, like me lol. She inspires me to grow deeper in faith and trust in God.

B.J. is spirit-filled, compassionate and honest. She lives life with her spiritual nature in mind 24/7. She’s intense in the best of ways and refuses to move without conviction. She feels deeply and expresses herself through her creativity. She inspires me to not be complacent in my faith.

M.M. is a charismatic trailblazer, hilariously quick witted and pure energy. Even when she feels down, she is able to recognize the good in all that’s happening around her. She challenges all in her life and has high standards for herself and her loved ones. She inspires me to be humble and reminds me that the journey is just as important as the destination.

D.S. is creative, humanitarian and a calming presence. Her kindness is the core of who she is. She gives hard and gets the greatest joy from lifting those around her. I admire her patience (although she thinks she is not), her inner joy and ability to push away the negative influences in her life.

S.M. is authentic, humble, spontaneous and the life of the party. Our stark physical differences don't impact our emotional intimacy. She is raw and uncut, street smart and a natural empath. Her family has become an extension of mine. She inspires me to break my mundane routines and enjoy the people and city around me.

So here I present the written flowers to my sisters in life. I thank God for their existence and am grateful that they do not only bring out the best in me but the world.