Struggle Love is NOT LOVE!

“You have to be there for your husband no matter what!” That was the lesson my family and church community has always given me. The thing is, being with someone unconditionally shouldn’t be at the expense of your safety and well being. Unconditional love does not mean tolerate deceit, manipulation, corruption or abuse.

Recent news of Pastor John Grey’s infidelity reignited the torch I held against the take on dating and romantic relationships in spiritual settings. From the scandals in and outside of my family to the many harmful impacts church pressure placed on both men and women to enter a marriage. I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again, I take love and marriage super seriously and believe that healthy marriages require healthy people to flourish.

I love and respect the elders in my family but 7 out of 10 of the married women endured humiliation, infidelity upon infidelity, and sad to say physical and emotional abuse from their husbands. Many of the men in my family also experienced severe emotional abuse from their spouses. That has been a big reason why I’ve remained single this long. Too many suitors, in and out of the church, approached me that would bring about undue suffering in my life. People say that "it's better to have loved, than to have never loved at all." But love is not relegated to marriage alone. God is not only relegated to marriage. God/love is found in our familial and brotherly relationships. Why the hyper-focus on romantic love only?

Love doesn’t have to hurt but as a Black woman, I’ve been conditioned to believe and accept that painful love is the best I’ll get. If it’s a feeling of belonging, I have that with my family and friends. If it’s a feeling of fulfillment, my passions and calling is meeting that. If it’s serving others, my work and close friendships allow that. Marriage is not the end all be all of the love experience.

Singleness and marriage are both blessings and none is greater than the other. The church claims to honor singleness by uplifting Biblical examples like the Apostle Paul. The thing is, for every time singleness is discussed, marriage is mentioned 100 times more. No amount of lip service will tip the scale of “placed importance”.

A partner who is abusive, in any way, shouldn’t enter marriage until healed and must surrender daily. Marriage is no cake walk but that doesn’t justify partners’ inflicting harm on one another. The blessings of marriage DO NOT overpower the blessings of singleness. My late grandmother always told me, “if a man brings pain and heavy stress in your life… that’s all you’ll have for the rest of your life with him”.

So I will not settle for struggle love that glorifies abuse, maltreatment, muling or exploitation. I AM NOT nor will I ever be A RIDE OR DIE. I choose love that is accountable, forgiving, selfless, humble and ever growing and surrendered to God. It is not my job to raise my husband. It is not my job to teach my husband how to be an adult. I’m there to walk the life with him… not for him, and most certainly not because of him.

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